Going back in time..

Do you ever wish that for just one moment you could go back in time? Fix something that went wrong - a friendship, a piece of jewelry, a relationship - and just make it all better, then instantly flash back to the present and have everything be the same except that one little thing you fixed...? I do!

Now, don't get me wrong, I believe in a very strong way that everything happens for a reason. Friendships are gained and lost mainly to teach us a lesson in life, teach us love, teach us pain, teach us the things we need to know to not mess up the same way again. Just because I don't regret things doesn't mean I don't wish there were some things I could change about how I reacted in a particular situation, the things I said, the feelings I felt... it doesn't mean I don't wish I could go back in time, undo those hurtful things and redo them with more patience and understanding.

Since my life has begun as a wife, living in VA, and becoming a mother things have changed for me. I've be come a different person today than I was 2 or 3 years ago, heck even a year ago I was different. We all change and grow as we get older (at least most people do...) and we learn lessons. Some lessons we've got to learn the hard way, some lessons can be taught to us by our parents or our peers.. most of the time (you can ask anyone that's known me for any extended amount of time) I need to learn things the hard way. I don't take people's words of advice, I don't watch and learn, I've got to get down in the dirt to find out that's what makes a person dirty. That's just the kind of person I am, can't change it.. so I am learning (yes, still learning at 23 years old) how to live with such a strong feature in my own personality.

So far, this is what I've come up with...


-When patience run low, walk away. Friendships, child, husband, project.. anything. It's beneficial for me to walk away, take a deep breath, and continue with the issue at a later time and/or date.

-Talk through things without swearing or raising my voice. A dear friend of mine whom I have lost contact with taught me that fighting with hurtful words will get a person no where, it only continues to hurt the person you're fighting with which in turn causes them to want to hurt you back - it's a never ending cycle! Use calm tones of voice, nice words, and be reasonable - if those 3 things can't be done.. refer to the first memo!

-Be honest about my feelings. How can anyone know what I'm feeling (especially my poor husband) if I don't say to them "Look, I'm feeling _______, please understand why I'm acting this way." My attitude, the way I react to different situations - like everyone - varies at any given moment pending what I'm thinking about, dealing with, or even just debating in my own brain. It's sometimes miserable and I've got to remind myself to take a breath and handle each situation as it comes!

Lastly, the biggest thing I'm starting to work on with myself is: -Trust in God, He will not let those fail who don't let themselves fail. My relationship with God and the church has been a forever battle internally. When I was a child I loved going to church, it was so much fun to get up on Sunday mornings and play with all my friends in Sunday school. We had play dates, we hung out, we were all super super close... then our church began having problems and we couldn't afford to fix them (we were a SUPER small church, probably part of why I loved it!!) so we ended up having to merge with another church. Long story short; it was a bad church, most of the people left, and the people who were originally from the church we merged with were all super snobby and had their noses so far in the air they weren't willing to be true friends. In the end, I started to not want to go.. fought my mom every Sunday so I wouldn't have to go, and in the end we stopped going. Once I became old enough to go on my own there was always something "more interesting" going on, and once I got my own car and a job I was working on Sundays (heck yeah time and 1/2!! that's huge at 16!!). Now, I'm a mom and a wife to a very strong and true Christian. My husband is a very strong believer in God and all that He can do, which makes me look back and wonder where my life would be if I hadn't been "too busy" for church.

In the end what I know is that I need to find it again, the faith and strength in Him. I need to move forward and stop looking back at what might have been, what could have been, or what would be today had I changed "x,y, or z". This doesn't only apply to God and church, it applies to everything in my life. The friendships I've lost, the relationships that hit the fan, and the things I would've changed if I could've - it's all taught me valuable lessons in life and now I need to move forward, learn from them, and become a better person/wife/mother/friend.

A good friend once said: "A little humility and lots of love can heal all." Thank you for that, friend, I plan to use it for my future and remember it always!